From the age 19 to 29 I had a real problem with blackout drinking every night. Lost jobs, was unemployed for a long time. Screwed up opportunities with bands i was in, lost friends etc.. Got to the point where i was pissing and defecating blood at the end there. Finally, I tried 2 ceremonies of san pedro from a great vendor and i have completely lost my taste for alcohol at all. To the extent that all of my memories from my drinking days no longer feel like my own.
I come from a really fucked up home life. Divorce, abuse etc. I dont think i need to go too deep into that. So that sets me up with a ton of anxiety and depression going into puberty. Then i start doing all kinds of drugs and crazy shit. My Mom put me on Zoloft which really fucked me up; psychotic episodes. My depression and anxiety issues erupt in teen years. Im put in a psych ward for a couple days for cutting and burning my arm to shit. Still have very visible scars at 31. So now having scars and having not dealt with the depression and anxiety, Im just as bad as i ever was psychologically, but am now forced to get a job and function in the real world. So i turned to alcohol in a big bad way, and it worked way too well for way too long.
I once pissed in the fridge at my Dad’s apartment when he was getting ready to go to work. I pissed all over his lunch in a blackout. It was terrible and beyond fucked up. He saw me do it as well; just awful. So many more terrible things happened but the scariest was the pissing and defecating blood though. For a couple months leading up to these ceremonies i had been keeping a video journal that i was spilling my guts to get sober while drunk and then id watch the drunk footage sober, so that was helping at the same time.
I went into the ceremonies with full intention and even begging for help from the plant medicine. The visions were strange; i felt like i was inside the clouds. Its hard to explain but i felt like i was surfing through the beautiful clouds of the sunset i was watching, like i was flying. A few months after the final ceremony and my last day of alcohol, i made out with a woman that had been drinking and i received a mouth of whiskey taste and it had a completely neutral effect on me. It didnt bother me or intrigue me. Any interest for it at all is just gone. Im indifferent towards it. The thought of taking a drink does nothing for me. Im almost 2 years with no alcohol at all. As far as the plant medicine guiding me in my day to day, i would say so. Im filled with gratitude now at all times that was never present before. A gratitude that seems to generate lucky circumstances. Everything is just so much better. even if i have a low day it pales in comparison to pissing blood and buying steel reserve with nickels.
The alcoholism was terrible for what seemed like forever. I was forced to move back in to my Dad’s a few years back when i was kicked out of the place i was living at for alcohol related stuff. That was a tough pill to swallow. We still get along though for the most part. I kept drinking when i moved in, which was really bad as you can imagine. The first year i was off alcohol after the ceremonies i still felt grateful for the sobriety from alcohol, but i was suffering from waves of suicidal depression, and anxiety in public with my scars and frayed nerves from so much drinking and without the desire to drink i saw suicide as the only option.
The psychological and financial wreckage was just too much for the first year and i wanted out. Thats when i read about psilocybin mushrooms being amazing for depression. They were easy enough to cultivate, so i gave that a shot. The first time i tried the mushrooms i grounded up about 6 grams into dust and added it to a glass of white and red squeezed grapefruit juice. For the next 4 hours i bawled my eyes out and puked. The visions were similar to the end scene in Interstellar where he’s floating around the 5th dimension cube structure and he’s seeing different scenes from his life. I was floating around looking at crucial moments in my life. It was very strange and hard for me to put into words perfectly. It was the catharsis i needed so so badly. I have done San pedro once more and the mushroom a handful very sparingly because I dont need it that often at all.
Theres only 1 person i dont talk to any more from my drinking days. The people i care about, and that care about me see the transformation and are utterly shocked. Its taking some time, but i love where this is all going. Im still at my Dad’s for now, but I’ve been working steady for almost a year now and see no reason i should be here for that much longer. My creative life is thriving and im really proud of the music I’ve done recently. Moving forward i have nothing but excitement and hope for a kickass future.
I used to look for stories like this when i was trying to quit. Looking for some inspiration. My guitar playing and music creation came about through unwittingly ingesting mescaline in a hit of ecstacy at the age of 16. It has always been supremely spiritual for me ever since that point. My obsessive guitar playing was an anchor for me through the troubled drinking times as well. I work out as much as i can now and walk my dog a lot as well. Mostly its all about music creation right now. As far as relapse goes; its a non-issue for me. It just doesn’t affect me. I feel so lucky. Im also extremely confused that i could go from almost stealing alcohol, to having no desire at all. Baffles me everyday.
There is the link for my current tunes. Enjoy.