Where did your depression come from? What do you think caused it?
My depression definitely came from feeling extremely alone when I was younger. My dad was in and out of prison, my mom left me at my grandma's house one weekend and never came back. My family were all pretty fucked up, we all loved each other though, and sadly I didn't realize that until I got older. It was caused fr just feeling all too alone, and not getting enough love at a young age and even after that.
Did self harm become your way to escape? What did it mean to you?
It did. It didn't really mean anything at first. It was kind of like, oh, people say I'll get addicted but I won't. I just kind of did it and never really though about it. Then after a while I realized I needed it. It never made me feel better, per say, but it would take mind off of everything else. I would just think about how it hurt, and I would clean myself up, and just sit there and think about it instead of everything else I had on my mind.
What advice would you give to a female struggling with self harm?
I would say, it's never going to get any better if you continue to do that. It doesn't help, even if you think it does. It is an addiction, and I understand that, but it isn't healthy, and it's just a distraction. It is adding more and more pain to the pain and hurt you're already feeling without mutilating yourself. Once you stop, you'll have slip ups, but only then do things actually start to get better.
Why do you think you stopped hurting yourself?
People. Not necessarily myself. It was really hard. I saw how it hurt everyone that I cared about most though and it would break my heart. Watching them cry, beg me to stop. It never was that big of a deal to me, but I realized it was to everyone else. I had gone so many years not being loved and cared for, and realized these people actually cared and so I had to show them the appreciation they deserved. That's how I decided to quit. Also, I got out of a city that I was trapped in almost. Got away from toxic people and bad memories. I also had started to travel when I quit, so that had a big impact as well. Something in the wandering footsteps, man.
What were the big things that psychedelics showed you?
They showed me that everything is not as it seems. They taught me endless love, such deep love, so passionate. They seriously taught me not to be afraid, that every bad "trip" or experience is actually just a lesson that I needed to learn. They showed me things that I never even knew existed, and I don't exactly mean hallucinations (Those too.) but more so lifestyles. Crystal healing. Energy. Vibrations. They helped me open my mind to a while new world of possibilities.
Was there a particular psychedelic that really helped with this?
LSD was definitely the psychedelic that showed me and taught me the most. It was the first psychedelic I ever did, and it was definitely the one that I always have and always will prefer.
What were some valuable life lessons that travelling has shown you?
Traveling is beautiful. It is an equal combination of both good and bad. There are nights where the rain promises me until 4 a.m., and I feel as if I'll never be dry again. There are nights that I spend with people I've met and now call family all cuddled together, all of us feeling so safe and happy. I've gone to Rainbow gatherings in the middle of national forests for weeks at a time with thousands of other travellers, and those taught me that you don't need society. People weren't always living the way we do now, they were barbaric and wild at one point. Those gatherings take me back to that. We all cook for each other, set up water lines, literally just one big, happy, loving family that all take care of one another. Hitchhiking taught me so much patience, and to be positive, which are two things I always lacked. Travelling all in all has taught me the powers of being positive and also the power of manifestation. If you think something will be, that is how it will be. It taught me that people really do care. It taught me the values of having a family, how to care for other people and love properly since I never learned that when I was little. Hopping trains taught me that things are hard and dangerous, but there are always beautiful rewards in store. It's hard for me to put into words the way that traveling has made me feel and all its taught me, I wish I could explain it better. Just know that it has been the most beautiful thing I have ever decided to do with my life and I don't regret even one second of it.