As most addicts will say, I didn't start off to be in an out of control situation. I started experimenting because these substances quelled the pain and were masked as fun. I started at a young age, and remember very vividly my first beer buzz at the age of 15. It was as if time itself slowed down for me to take in the scene around me which was pure teenage mayhem that we all go thru when the parents give you the keys to the castle for the weekend. Oh that poor girls home.. You see, my parents divorced/separated for the last time when I was around 7 or 8. This bummed me out severely but not so much for my sister; I really took it personal. So once these substances were introduced to me, especially alcohol, I took to it like a duck to water.
I was the classic textbook "lost child" and remained so for another 20 years, and the later 10 years with a cocaine lust. I bottomed out on screw top wine and crack cocaine in the spring of 2006. I wasn't eating much either, I looked horrible, I didn't even want to shower. There was trash heaped everywhere in my apartment, dirty laundry strewn about.. I was horribly apathetic and only craved escape.. Then one night, I just knew, I wanted to start over, and a couple days later, I dragged myself back to an aa meeting, with fresh arrows in my back.. The next year to 2007 was the first year I'd ever done sober.. I had many 4 month stints of sobriety, but a whole year was next level and I'm not gonna lie, it was fucking difficult.
On 07/07/07 I did a spirit walk with the sacred medicine of peyote, by myself, in the desert, at night, with a fire.. I had done psychedelics since I was young as well, but only recreationally.. This was my first authentic psychedelic healing session and it was ground breaking for me.. When the sun arose I felt so blessed to be seeing the altar of God the clouds were forming, I felt nature again as I had felt it as a young child.. I'm crying writing this, that's how powerful it was.. I highly recommend peyote way.org .. So anyway, I didn't inform my aa sponsor of this until after the fact.. He wasn't too much of a dick, but I realized a few years later aa just wasn't a match for me anymore and I haven't been to a meeting since 2010 or 2011.. I'm not knocking them, they helped me walk again, I have tremendous respect for aa.. But as someone who encourages psychedelic healing, I had to go out of that respect..
I had an affinity for drawing at a young age. I was a mechanical designer and most of my drawing was on the computer, but when I got laid off in December of 2009. The second part of my journey started.. I started drawing again, and the first sketches were so dark, so twisted.. Thus began my art therapy, which fucking works btw and much cheaper than a shrink lol.. Art was my self work, and the sacred plants (peyote, mushrooms, lsd, DMT) have been huge conscious shifting tools on my journey. I just very recently had my very first DMT experience at the age of 46 on 4/19 I'll have 10 years free of my addiction that nearly buried me.. I try to express gratitude to the universe daily, no matter how broke I am.. I feel blessed today, and that my friend, is a miracle.. I hope this story can shed some light on someone who might be struggling or have always felt like that lost child.. Smile my friend, listen to your heart.. It has always held the answers.. Love you acidmath, thanks for being the authentic souls for a new paradigm of healing..