Childhood Trauma, Meth, and the road to recovery through psychedelics.

by Bill Kovski October 05, 2016 0 Comments

Childhood Trauma, Meth, and the road to recovery through psychedelics.

 Art: Radhika-Menon-Follow-·'The-unwanted-guest'-
I have the Most Experiences with Lucy, Mushies, Salvia, and have had positive experiences with all of them. I did a heroic Dose of San Pedro Cactus and saw the infinite and am still processing that one!  I also did a three day Bender on meth and have a different perspective on it that the mainstream of lumping it as as dangerous as heroin. I also have hallucinated on Marijuana multiple times and not because it was laced. 
I have done Fly Aragic Mushrooms, had a bad trip on MDMA, done 5-MEO-DMT incorrectly, did whippets on Salvia, did DXM once, and I have done most other drugs. 
3 Day Heroin Bender
My three day Bender on meth came about when my roommate at the time had some Tweakers come through her register at Home Depot and drop an 8ball without realizing it. At the time I lived in Souther California's Inland Empire so Meth addicts were not uncommon. 
She brought home the bag as she had a past with the drug, we both tested it and she decided she didn't want anything to do with it, but didn't throw it away. I took the bag a few weeks later and consciously decided to do a 3 day bender and wasn't looking to get hooked, having boundaries with addictive substances is important. I really was just curious to see what it was like and what it was like to stay awake for three days straight and being unemployed at the time made me less worried about losing everything. I also had done a small amount of meth years earlier and stayed up all night talking with one of my best friends so I felt I knew what I was getting into. 
I started by snorting and then also smoke it. I basically spent most of my time on the Internet wasting time. Time passed strangely and I didn't really get a lot from it. I get why it's addictive, and it felt good up to a point, but I've never been into stimulants that much and didn't even finish the bag. 
The come down was awful and I was sick for three days. I don't think the withdrawals were shit and the sickness wasn't much worse than I imagine just staying up for three days straight would do to a person. 
I found Meth way less addictive that it is touted and makes me really think it is a crappy version of Aderall that is more potent. I had no adverse effects in wise of sores or tooth decay and have read that is more from the malnourishment and sleep deprivation of chronic users than a casual experience. 
You asked about heroin and I actually have never done Heroin. I have done pretty much all the pain meds and when you do a Fentynl or mix OxyContin with Methadone you pretty much have an idea of what it's like. One of my best friends Chris Died of Heroin and I just recently lost another friend. I remember my Friend Chris crying about not getting more pain pills back in the day before he ever did heroin. I also have seen pictures of him at his worst and it haunts me almost as much as his death. 
I really got lucky not having the most addictive personality and never really screwed over my whole life. I've never been homeless. I did spend way too much time and money on shitty drugs and Alcohol and messed up many opportunities in life. I should have left my small dead end town right out of high school but didn't take step towards that until after smoking Salvia and wanting to get away from the Wisconsin Drinking Culture and small town drugs. I moved to LA in 2008 after the stock Market crashed and really dodged the Heroin boom. Which was good since my body started getting angry when I took pain pills for some time and actually helped me stop using them even when someone had a medicine cabinet full of them. 
So was this about the time you turned to psychedelics? 
No I had two rounds, one in my Twenties where I just tried everything I could find. That's when I did Salvia a Bunch and it inadvertently helped me step towards the me I wanted to be. And now in my Thirties, at this point I don't think I will ever not use them at least once ever year or two. Still have some more journeys I want to do. I also feel I will always have improvements to make.  
 I think Tool got me into psychedelics. What did it for you?
To be honest, The Beatles and The Doors sparked my Interest and there was just a bunch of trippy culture when I was in high school in the late 90's. I'm a weirdo musician too so I was just naturally drawn to others that were open to similar interests. 
What were your first experiences like?
My First drug experience was Rubber Cement, definitely led to me respecting drugs as that shit made me sick and I took it to the limit of my lips turning blue. Thank god that only lasted a week when I was 14. 
Did you end up bonding with a particular plant or synthetic? 
I love Pot and Mushies and Coffee the most. The First time I did Mushies my friends and I camped on a farmers Pasture and spent all night picking them off the cow pies. 
Why do you think you were turning to drugs? 
Childhood Trauma, handicap brothers and sister, and miss diagnosis of mental illness. Also small town Wisconsin you get bored AF! 
Were you trying to put a bandaid on something you were repressing?
Yes, now it's more about spiritual transcendence and therapeutic for Depression and Anxiety. I had a lot of unintentional emotional neglect as my parents had to spend more time taking care of my siblings special needs. I had a lot thrown at me as a kid, but my parents are awesome and they did the best they could. 
Have you had any breakthroughs with them? 
I am in the Midst of one, I did a heroic Dose of San Pedro in September about a week after getting married and then two weeks later My wife almost lost her kidneys, if not worse! I also had a bad trip on MDMA in my early twenties that took 3 years to recover from. 
What kind of breakthroughs did you have? 
Both of those helped me Piece together my past and see where my past led to drug use, and who I am. They also help me make peace with my past and not fret over the future. 
So whats some things that you can take away from your experiences, what are some things that psychedelics have taught you about child hood trauma, about depression, about anxiety?
Im still working on the anxiety and depression is still a bit of a struggle but is no longer compounded by my past weather it is a week ago or when I was three. The biggest thing is being able to let go and see how those thing are a part of me but are no longer actively effecting me. 
What your advice be to someone who wants to use psychedelics as tools for treating depression and ptsd for example. 
Read, read all you can. Erowid is a great resource. 
 Also ALWAYS rely on others! That's in all aspects of life, not just having a trip sitter. 
 Lastly use a Psychologist, they help you process past hurt and current problems.  There is great power in having someone to talk to that is confidential and removed from your situation. Most of them would not look down on psychedelic use either. 

Bill Kovski
Bill Kovski